Finding You

You’re married to the pain and terrified to divorce it because your complete individuality has been established by upset and affliction. It’s something you’ve always received and accepted, as it’s customary to your life. Suffering…it’s all around you. It’s in your stride and your thoughts, even in the way you allow others to handle you. They dole out their weakness and you absorb it mentally staining a confidence you never knew. You’re designed by distress and composed of hurt. Afraid of life outside of it because you are clueless to who you are without it. People have always let you down and rejection seemed natural. Intimidation of things unfamiliar shouldn’t dominate your want for change. You must be starved of worry and gain a deep desire to heal.

Black And White

I gave you roses and you devoured the thorns

My contentment in you was met with scorn

I’d go above and beyond you’d sink below

My pain accidental yours intentional

I’d defend your attacks but silently weep

Lie awake in turmoil while you’d soundly sleep

Questioned your motives though the answers were clear

This divided unity was something I feared

You arrested my love so I set you free

What we had is who we were meant to be

Picture Perfect

You didn’t get the picture until you were out of it…

I was constantly sandwiched between asinine thoughts of ‘true love is like this’ and ‘it’s supposed to feel this way’

I invested in you and it cost me everything I was…

You’d leave and I’d still pray that wherever you were, the stars lit your night skies

While you preyed on my sincerity

Doing everything in my power to get you to come back safely regardless of the extent of the damage you caused when you left…

My loyalty to you, was deeply rooted

Hopeless to eradicate…

I wasn’t lost

I knew my worth

I didn’t fear you

I didn’t even need you

I just despised being alone until loneliness became familiar

You’d “change” when you thought you were losing me

Then retrocede when I’d return for more

Repeatedly rebounding…

I saturated the pillows with my feelings for you until I was empty

Empty

We never wanted kids. We were together since high school and he always thought he’d be a pro football player and have me as his trophy housewife. I was fine with that. We loved spoiling one another and spending our free time together. Kids would change our lives and we never wanted to be labeled as bad parents. He came from a big family and had countless nieces and nephews that we would see often. My mother always wanted me to make her a grandmother especially being the only child. I just never thought I’d feel like a mother and I didn’t want to one day regret bringing a life into the world. What if I couldn’t love them? We were packing for our trip to Bora Bora after a long season. I couldn’t wait to spend our anniversary in a new atmosphere together and completely alone. It was the night before our flight and we were sitting on the couch watching television and he randomly blurted out that he wanted to have a baby. I never took my eyes off the screen hoping I didn’t just hear what I think I heard. He shut the tv off and put both of my hands in his repeating himself. I began to cry and he did too but our tears were for different reasons.