Anchored

It’s all starting to make sense

I get why people say ‘I wish I knew then what I know now’

Maybe I wouldn’t feel this way…

Sure it was destiny, but if I could rewrite history you would have been a mystery

Never to occur

Why didn’t my mind save my heart? You put me through rings of fire…

I was rooted, you grew wild

You built walls, I climbed them

The deepest of pain couldn’t penetrate the extent of my love, it was unconditional

But you loved conditionally and differently, without dignity

No cares…

You simply said you don’t know what true love is

That you’re okay with being careless

You have a fetish with being selfish

You relish in this hell this trellis, only exist to be overzealous

Yet I cherish…the air you breathe

Why?

Indigo

You’re a serial lover

Obsessed with flings

Compelled to feeling and suspended from connection

You perpetuate this facade a contrived illusion of content…as if you yearn for jilted love

Relationships deprived of involvement beyond physicality when in reality, you crave more

Dreams of immortal devotion are your worst nightmares, you’re afraid to bruise

It has you running around in circles trying to avoid what’s certain…in a fight because of love, you have to be comfortable with knowing someone is going to hurt you

It’s inescapable

If they’re worth it

You don’t get to choose

They exposed beauty in your brokenness, know that they’re broken too

He Said

I ran from the very thing I didn’t want to become only to evolve into it anyway

Damaged

Contaminated

Yet you vowed to purify me

But I was the drug you were addicted to

Saw what I did to you, to us…

I wasn’t of substance I just abused you

I needed you broken

Cracked

So you’d be easier to control

The fear of losing you was too great

If you only believed you were great, you would have abandoned me

So I kept you and my insecurities apart

With the lies

Honestly, I lied because I knew I could…

I lied because it was easier than goodbye

Kismet

The speeding car slammed into her jeep causing it to spin out of control and land into the trunk of a tree. She laid there weakly, shocked and in unimaginable pain. As fate would have it, she was brought to the hospital. Here, with me.

I did all that I could do but it still wasn’t enough, and I was far from done. No, there was more to do. I’m no murderer, but I’d be responsible for killing two people tonight. 

“Mr. Shaw, Ariana died tonight” I practiced in the mirror. “Ariana has died, Mr. Shaw.” “Mr. Shaw, I couldn’t save your daughter Ariana.” It still sounded so rehearsed and I knew I wasn’t ready.

‘Fuck! Why me? Why did I have to be the one on duty?’ I thought to myself as I scrubbed my forearms and hands feverishly with the antibacterial cleaning agent. I scoured for minutes milking the procrastination meter and dreading the thought of having to face her father, so much so that my skin looked liked it was going to crack and bleed. I cupped my hands and scooped the water onto my face looking for a sense of relief. 

I sat on the arm of that chair in the waiting area about 30 minutes after the victim’s father left. I wanted to run very far and fast, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. It was like I was outside of myself yelling to myself, but the heaviness of that moment kept me cemented to that spot. My forehead was drenched under that bouffant cap but I couldn’t remove it until I was alone. My back ached and a couple of nurses helped me to my office. They chalked it up to me having a bad day, perhaps the death of this patient got to me. “Doctor Avery, would you like us to help you to your car?” one of the nurses asked. “Uh, no Helen it’s okay. I caught a ride in today. They should be here shortly, thanks” I stuttered over my words and shooed them along. It happens all the time, but what they didn’t know is I was closer to her than everyone thought.

My uber dropped me off a few blocks from home, and I needed it to be that way. Paranoia set in deeply now, and I raced through the door in search of the strongest bottle of alcohol I could find. I knew the cops would come looking for me eventually and I needed to get out of there. I didn’t mean to leave Patrick in the car, but when we crashed he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt. The flashback of his head in the windshield brought me to my knees, and I began throwing up violently. I wiped my mouth and got up desperately needing to find that bottle. 

I poured glass after glass and I tried to recount the events following the accident hoping I remembered to get any trace of me out of that vehicle. I took his phone just before I pushed the passenger door open and fell out of the car. But was it enough? I heard a faint knock at my front door and I stumbled away from it towards the bedroom. I dropped the glass breaking it, which prompted the person to knock again, this time much louder. I laid on the floor reaching underneath my bed for my gun. I made sure it was loaded and put it in my mouth.

Different Views

Which one are you, jealous or envious? The semantic uncertainty between jealousy and envy are quite parallel but indeed two separate entities. People that envy usually want what they lack but find an abundance of in others. Jealous beings are threatened by another’s existence and sour to the thought of being replaced. How do you overcome envy? How do you rid unhappiness with oneself so that you may be happy for others? What about the destruction of jealousy?  

You’re busy consuming yourself with the greed of desiring everything that looks good in the hands of those around you. Instead of watching them, humble yourself by targeting positivity while relinquishing worry. Be full knowing that what may be good for others couldn’t possibly be good for you. It isn’t yours. Free that distasteful demand to be recognized by others in a way you don’t even view yourself. 

Customize your daily life to include positive ways of thinking and consistently contribute to things that better your character. It boosts the much needed confidence to accept that what belongs to you, is for you and another human being cannot acquire that.