Tag Archives: experiences

Empty

We never wanted kids. We were together since high school and he always thought he’d be a pro football player and have me as his trophy housewife. I was fine with that. We loved spoiling one another and spending our free time together. Kids would change our lives and we never wanted to be labeled as bad parents. He came from a big family and had countless nieces and nephews that we would see often. My mother always wanted me to make her a grandmother especially being the only child. I just never thought I’d feel like a mother and I didn’t want to one day regret bringing a life into the world. What if I couldn’t love them? We were packing for our trip to Bora Bora after a long season. I couldn’t wait to spend our anniversary in a new atmosphere together and completely alone. It was the night before our flight and we were sitting on the couch watching television and he randomly blurted out that he wanted to have a baby. I never took my eyes off the screen hoping I didn’t just hear what I think I heard. He shut the tv off and put both of my hands in his repeating himself. I began to cry and he did too but our tears were for different reasons.

Indigo

You’re a serial lover

Obsessed with flings

Compelled to feeling and suspended from connection

You perpetuate this facade a contrived illusion of content…as if you yearn for jilted love

Relationships deprived of involvement beyond physicality when in reality, you crave more

Dreams of immortal devotion are your worst nightmares, you’re afraid to bruise

It has you running around in circles trying to avoid what’s certain…in a fight because of love, you have to be comfortable with knowing someone is going to hurt you

It’s inescapable

If they’re worth it

You don’t get to choose

They exposed beauty in your brokenness, know that they’re broken too

Prioritize It!

What does this mean to you? When you make a decision to do something do you stop to think about its long term effects, or are you focused on filling your immediate emotional need? We all know somebody or may have been that somebody a time or two that needed to get the newest hottest “thing” because everyone else had it. Or maybe you are a person who likes to take what doesn’t belong to you because you feel you deserve it and you should have it by any means. I love these people because they are the epitome of perfection! Everything is always the fault of someone else and a cloud hovers over their head and follows them throughout every part of their day and the next. They always seem to have bouts of “bad luck” day after day, month after month, year after year. I call these people repeat offenders. You continuously make these same decisions based off of a feeling, which is always subject to change. Why buy a $700 phone and you don’t have any food in your refrigerator? Why buy brand new shoes and you haven’t paid your rent? Why sleep with another woman’s husband and complain about not being able to find a man? It’s okay to get mad because not everyone can handle the truth, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop telling it. These repeat offenders have zero shame in using you for money, for enlightenment, or to uplift them every time they do something they deem a mistake. A mistake is making a decision and learning from the consequences so you do not make the same decision again. Continuing to make decisions when you know the ultimate outcome is ignorant. As adults, we have responsibilities to take care of. If you lack self control and feel you have a problem, then you need to seek help and fix that. But enough complaining without rearranging. You aren’t the first person that allowed something shiny to catch their eye. Just because you want it doesn’t mean you need it, and if it makes you feel like shit after you’ve done it anyway, then be man/woman enough to accept the consequences. Stop whining to other people about life not going your way when you are the one who is in your own way. Be a person of moral character that doesn’t prey on the pockets and feelings of the ones closest to you and learn to navigate life just like the rest of us. You weren’t born with a target on your back and until you can accept the fact that it is you that needs to change, every corner you turn will lead to a dead end. 

Roving

Have you ever been in a situation that ended differently than it began? We see the warning signs, but we’re too afraid to admit that we made a mistake. We may feel like we’re in too deep because we already made a commitment, not realizing that we are hurting ourselves. This person that we thought we would share a life with is simply incapable of love. How can they give it if they don’t know what it looks like? You can never teach someone how to love you if they were never willing to learn. There will come a time in your life where you will have feelings for someone who only has feelings for themselves. They will take the very part of you that you fought hard to bury and glorify it…only to use it against you once you figure them out. If you were strong enough to get rid of them, leave them in your past. There’s nothing about them that has changed, just their pursuit! 

Believe my eyes I didn’t

Believe your lies I shouldn’t 

Shouldn’t let you get close

Shouldn’t let you in

In and out of my life

In and out of my mind

Mind over matter

Mind you tried to control

Control and manipulate 

Control and instill fear

Fear I do not know

Fear I cannot see

See me find my way

See you walk away

Away in need of space

Away in need of time

Time to forget the pain

Time to heal 

Heal from the brokenness 

Heal from the wounds

Wounds that were so deep

Wounds that scarred for life

Life without you

Life means to begin

Begin where you found me

Begin where you dropped me off

Off to face your fears

Off to face my demons

Demons you fought with

Demons that haunt me at night

Night with you never ended

Night was cold and dark

Dark heart embossed in stone

Dark spirit lingers

Lingers in our home

Lingers in our bed

Bed made to sleep

Bed traps your scent

Scent of a liar

Scent that won’t come back

Back in my life

Back against the wall

Wall built over time

Wall surrounding my heart

Heart made of stone

Heart turned cold

Cold became normal

Cold because of love

Love you rehearsed

Love was a wanderer